You Got YuiRolled!
by superstarultra
Summary: In a world where slice of life is the key rule, only so many things can go wrong in it. These are some tales of the things that DID. Crack.
1. Bringing Madness to Music

**Disclaimer: I do not own K-ON! or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Hello, everybody. Those of you who know me from the Haruhi section will notice that I am trying a similar concept for an all-new fandom. This story and its first chapter are merely just a way for me to wet my feet in this particular fandom and see what everyone thinks of it. Honestly, a close friend talked me into writing this fic and I just decided to give it a shot and see what would happen. I really do like K-ON!, but I may need to rewatch the show in order to refresh my memory on a few things. **

**Have no fear for my previous stories if you've been following them- I plan on updating them soon and won't waste a lot of time on this project. I got a few ideas for this fic written down, but I just want to see how the reception will be. **

**The following stories will most likely contain the following:**

**Unexplained Bouts of OOCness**

**Nonsensical Crossovers**

**Unfunny References**

**Immature Humor**

**Physical Comedy**

**The Occasional Explosion**

**And Character Bashing**

**Anyways, I hope you guys will enjoy this little crack fic collection of mine. I also take the occasional request if you have anything you'd like to offer or want to see written. Have fun. **

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><p><strong>Get Motivated:<strong>

Azusa Nakano had a problem.

Ever since the school festival, the girls (Mio included) had neglected to practice, choosing instead to eat cake and goof around. Ritsu would always be the first to suggest a break, Yui would second the motion, Tsumugi would provide the unending snacks, and Mio's resolve would crumble shortly after. This would always result in leaving Azusa in the dust. They always _said_ they'd try to work in some practice, but they never did so for long.

Come to think of it, Azusa theorized that if Yui had never given Gitah a name in the first place, she probably would have sold the instrument for a wheelbarrow full of sweets or traded it for a pony ages ago.

So as she sat by her lonesome in the Light Music room, Azusa stared out the window, thinking to herself.

_It's a shame that I can't motivate them more. We'll all be getting rusty soon enough. I mean, Mio and I are the only ones that usually opt to practice at all, and the others just ask for us to give them a soothing soundtrack while they snack! It's getting ridiculous at this rate! ...Wait. Wait. Hmmmm... Soundtrack... I... I think I have an idea.. Yes, this could work..._

After leaving school and getting home, Azusa thought her idea over for a few times before making a decision. After deciding it was worth a shot, she went to her parents in the living room.

"Mom? Dad? Can I borrow your record-player and some of your vinyls?" Azusa asked politely.

"Now why would you need those, sweetie?" Azusa's mom loftily asked from her place on the couch. Her father was snoring right next to her like a bear.

"Well, our club has gotten lazy, and I wanted to see if I could help to motivate them."

The older woman looked up at the ceiling for a moment before she said, "Oh. Okay... They should be our room then. Check the... closet. Be careful with them..."

"...Are you drunk, mom?"

"..._Maaaaybe~,_" Azusa's mom said with a sultry smirk, followed by a hiccup.

"Not again..." the twin-tailed girl murmured, sighing.

**The Next Day...**

By sheer luck, Azusa had managed to catch all of the girls in the clubroom at the same time. Now she speak to them all at once without having to wait for anyone.

"Everyone, there's something I'd like to show you," Azusa declared, trying to clear any nervousness out of her voice. The other band-members shifted their attention from their idle chat to their fifth member.

"Yes, Azusa?" Tsumugi piped up in her cheery way. "What is it?"

"Do you have presents for us?" Yui inquired with glee. Azusa ended up ignoring her.

"Well, I've noticed that we've been sort of slacking off in our music." Ritsu gave out a sigh in her seat while Yui now eyed the cakes Tsumugi had already laid out. "So I decided to bring in something from my house to get us into the spirit of improving once again! I know that you'll all find it interesting."

While Mio and Tsumugi looked intrigued, Ritsu seemed bored, and Yui looked like her attention would cave in at any moment. Knowing she had to act fast, Azusa called out into the hallway. Sawako soon arrived, holding a large object in her hands with a blue sheet on it. She then sat it down on the unoccupied part of the table.

"...Is it a cake?" Yui asked once more.

"It's nothing to do with sweets!" Azusa stated as she took the sheet off. "It's an old record-player my parents own. And some vinyl records to go along with it. From the greats! I thought we could listen to a few over the week to get some inspiration for our own songs." She gestured to the stack of records sitting in the center.

"My, how exciting," Tsumugi said, admiring the items as if they were dinosaur-bones.

"It really is a good idea," Sawako added as she prepared to set it up for the girls. Mio seemed to agree, smiling.

"Meh. I guess so," Ritsu said, not really looking all that interested. Yui just stared at the machine in curiosity.

Azusa inwardly smiled. _I knew this was a good idea!_

All was going well until Sawako took a close look at the vinyl she was about to place in the player, blinked, snorted in disgust, and then tossed it across the room like a Frisbee.

"_Ahhh!_ Why did you do that!" Azusa screeched as she caught the airborne record like a dog, luckily finding it intact.

"I can't stand that heavy garbage. I can't subject your friends to such agony. And that stuff always burns my ears," Sawako flatly responded, pulling something out of her purse. "I'll show you girls some real music..."

Ritsu smiled wryly. "_Burns_ much like the entire dinner you tried to make for that one guy you-" She would have continued, but being nailed in the head by the closest heavy item nearby, which was unfortunately Azusa's guitar amp, tends to ruin a story.

"Stop throwing my stuff!" Azusa nearly cried.

"And what would that be, Miss Sawako?" Tsumugi eagerly asked.

"Simple, Mugi. 'Tis a better band, with God himself on the vocals," Sawako responded a-matter-of-factly.

"...Aya Hirano?" Azusa asked.

"Jim Morrison?" Mio guessed.

"BIRDIE~..." Ritsu slurred, looking at the windows.

"Fred Durst?" Yui spoke. Sawako's face scrunched up as if she had eaten a barrel of peeled lemons in one go. Taking out a record of her own, the teacher placed it into the player.

"...Just listen." Sawako put the needle onto a specific part of the vinyl.

"...Why did you have a record in your purse anyways?" the twin-tailed Azusa asked.

"I always carry this one around in order to educate others in the form of good music!"

"I see... Not really."

A tune familiar to any old-school metal fan then proceeded to crank out of the player's speakers, which, to the misfortune of the girls, was cranked as high as they could go.

"_**If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man! You win some, lose some, it's still the same to me!**_"

"ACK! MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!" Mio shrieked in horror. Tsumugi moaned in pain, stomaching the loudness for Sawako's sake. Ritsu danced in a daze, and Azusa attempted to turn it off, but was held back by her somewhat insane teacher.

Today wasn't her day. But as for Yui?

Yui stood close to the record-player, eyes bugged out, arms by her side, and generally astonished.

"...Yui? Are you okay?" Tsumugi asked.

"..."

"...Yui? Oh, Yui? Yu-"

"I NOW HAVE THE DESIRE TO FUCK ON THE FLOOR AND BREAK SHIT," Yui responded in a monotone, quickly responding by punching Azusa in the face, busting open her nose. Mio was more shocked at Yui's sudden language than her act of violence.

"THE HELL?" Azusa yelled. This was _definitely _not her day.

For the next five minutes, Yui stomped around the room, screaming incomprehensible lyrics, destroying anything that wasn't nailed down or taken outside by their owner. Mirrors were headbutted, instruments were humped, and Ritsu got to see what it was like to be set on fire.

"_**AND DON'T FORGET THE JOKER!**_" Yui and Sawako shouted in unison, kicking over Ritsu's drum kit. The latter only joined in because she saw this as perfectly normal behavior. And because it seemed to be fun.

Azusa watched this madness from under the table with Mio, while Tsumugi tried to use tea to extinguish Ritsu. "Remind me to never help anyone ever again..." Azusa sourly muttered, clutching her nose with a tissue.

"Duly noted," Mio sobbed out in response.

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><p><strong>The Disappearance of Mio's Sanity:<strong>

_**February 28, 2010**_

The doors to the theater opened with four of our main girls (Azusa was home sick) walking out in a crowd of otaku blogging on their phones about their precious AU Yuki waifu or chatting about the latest cash cow churned out by Kyoto Animation.

_The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya._

"Ahhh~... Such a good movie!" Yui chirped.

"Indeed, Yui! This is the stuff we'll be telling our grandchildren about seeing!" Ritsu exclaimed in vigor.

"What grandchildren? Otakus don't get laid!" a random man in the crowd said.

"Au contraire, the common otaku will screw anything with a pulse if it shows interest in their sticky collection of body-pillows. Now let us be, you nameless background character, you," Ritsu retorted, making shooing motions with her hands. The man walked away, shaking his head, never to appear again.

"I really did enjoy that film. Especially the onscreen romance with Ryoko and Yuki," Tsumugi sighed. She held one side of her face and smiled dreamily.

"...You _would_," snorted Ritsu.

"Yeah, but the part with Ryoko at the end really scared me though," Yui said.

"Ugh... me, too..." Mio whimpered as she tried to shake off the mental image. "Still a good ending... There's something I didn't get much about it though.

"Yui turned to face her friend. "Eh? What?"

"Well, it's just a bit of a complaint, really," Mio went on. "It's kind of hard to follow if you haven't read the book like me, and-"

"You've _never _read the book?" Ritsu all but shouted. "That's like Harry Potter for the sticky neckbeards of Japan!" Even Yui and Tsumugi looked horrified at Mio's reveal.

"Well, I just never got around to it, I mean, I skimped out halfway through the first one because the plot felt a bit hollow, nothing special-"

"IT _**WAS**_ SPECIAL! IT WAS EVERYTHING ANYONE COULD HOPE FOR!" Ritsu shouted in her ear. Mio winced before regaining her hearing.

"But, Ritsu, to be honest- hold that thought- I just thought it was like a blatant fanservice for the Kyon and Yuki shippers who aren't ever going see Kyon and Yuki in the original canon. And it's just insulting like that. I mean, come on, making money on people's preferences? Haruhi and the others were barely in it. And as decent a villain Ryoko was, I don't really think she was there enough to make an impact. I actually forgot about her towards the end. The movie was good... I just thought it could have been better in some parts. You see what I mean?"

The entire gang's jaws had dropped.

"HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY RYOKO-SAMA AND YUKI-RIN!" Tsumugi shouted in a rage.

"Whoa, Mugi, calm down for a second! It's nothing to get excited over!"

"IT IS SO!" Ritsu snarled, standing alongside Tsumugi. "I thought we _knew_ you, Mio! But now we see you for what you really are... A hater!"

"Huh? No need to get so angry! I don't understand why you're all acting like this! I just feel a certain way about what I watch sometimes! I mean, I don't really like Oreimo or Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt all that much either, and I don't see anyone getting mad about-"

"WHAT!" Ritsu exclaimed.

"My heart... MY HEART!" Yui screamed, feigning a heart attack.

"Fiend..." Tsumugi hissed, albeit cutely.

"Well, I'm sorry for liking animes with plots and character-development!" Mio announced, placing her hands on her hips.

"THOSE BOTH HAVE PLOTS! YOU'RE JUST TOO BLIND TO APPRECIATE THEIR GREATNESS! JUST LIKE THE GREATNESS OF HARUHI!" Ritsu shouted, pointing an accusatory finger at Mio. Yui walked over to the bassist and placed both hands on her shoulders.

"...Mio..." Yui slowly began, wearing a completely anguished look. "I am disappoint."

She then walked off, Ritsu stomping right after her like an angry duck. Tsumugi started to go, but instead walked back over to Mio. The blond gave her a pouty look that lasted about five seconds. Then in a completely random act, she looked down and lightly spat at Mio's shoes. Shooting her one last glare, Tsumugi walked off.

Mio stood there for a while; a minute at the least.

"_**...OH, COME ON! REALLY?**_" Mio shouted after the others, clutching her head at the same time. "Must... suppress... aneurysm..."

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><p><strong>Moody Mugi: <strong>

_**Tsumugi's POV **_

If one were to ask me, I'd have to say that it's been a very pleasant day for me so far.

I entered the clubroom to find it completely empty. Which was excellent. Just the way I liked it. It's very hard to have a moment of peace for myself nowadays, but when times like these arrive, it's always a treat to take advantage of these periods of tranquility.

Like I do every day, I began my task of preparing to lay out the various sweets I'd packed. It's always a pleasure to hear what my friends think of the food I share with them. After laying out the food on one of my favorite tablecloths, I took the utmost of care to brew the tea to a heat that was just above room temperature, but not hot enough to scald. I made sure that this would be the yummiest batch to date.

"Perfect as always," I chirped to myself as I took a seat to observe my handiwork. Yes. Everything was as neat and tidy as-

"WE'RE HOOOOME~!" a thunderous voice declared, kicking in the door.

_...Well, crap. It was nice while it lasted._

Ritsu, Yui, Mio, and Azusa trudged into the room. I noticed that Mio and Azusa were still in their uniforms, while the former two were wearing their track uniforms. I also noticed a rather strong odor emanating from them.

_What the he- Oh, good lord, what the hell did you roll in this time, Ritsu? _

"Good afternoon," I said as kindly as I could.

"Heya, Mugi!" Yui cutely chirped, deeply contrasting with the awful smell coming from her. It seemed to be a mix of dirt and sweat. Mio and Azusa took the chance to come and take their seats on my side of the table on either side of me.

"It be nice if EITHER of you took a shower," Mio gagged, waving a hand.

_My thoughts exactly, Mio. And Christ, guys, you smell like a pair of chimpanzees that have been slathered in onions!_

"You said it," Azusa added, chuckling right after.

"Oh, come on!" Ritsu cried out angrily. "We were just doing our part in handing out flyers for the upcoming school field-trip to... well, I forget where exactly. The point is that in order to let the track team know about it, we had to put on our own uniforms and chase after them. Nothing too tough for me and Yui though." Yui seemed to share Ritsu's opinion and nodded happily.

"Still would've been simpler to just wait for them to stop practicing and THEN give them the flyers..." Mio grumbled.

_Again, correct, Mio. I always knew you were the brains of this bunch. Besides me, of course. __  
><em>  
>"But if we did that, then we'd miss out on eating Mugi's delicious cakes~," Ritsu cooed as she sat down and began to help herself to the cheesecake I had brought.<p>

"Yup! Mugi always comes through with the best stuff ever!" Yui sat beside Ritsu and began to gorge herself on a plate of sugar cookies I'd laid out.

"Thank you very much," I replied back to them. I was met with a chorus of chomping noises as crumbs flew. Pretty sure that they didn't even hear me.

_That's nice... Go ahead. Gobble down the food I bought and not thank me for it. It's not like I need to live off your gratitude everyday...__  
><em>  
>"Oh, yeah. Thanks," Ritsu quickly said after she briefly peered up from her plate. A bit of mashed food flew out of her lips and landed just below my left eye. I wiped it off a second later with one of my handkerchiefs. Yui belched soon after and continued on with her binge.<p>

_Yes... I'm definitely going to have to sanitize my pores with steam at home today. _

I turned to my right to see how Azusa was faring. Noticing she hadn't taken anything for herself, I handed her a plate and lifted a slice of butter cake with chocolate frosting onto it for her.

"Here you are, Azusa." I smiled politely at her with closed eyes. But when I opened them, I was surprised to see that she was frowning slightly. "What's wrong?"

"Eh, not much..." she sighed, taking her plastic fork and poking at her slice. "I'm just a bit disappointed that you brought butter cake again. I'm starting to get sick of the taste."

_Ex-CUSE me? You didn't seem to be thinking that way when I brought it over the first time and you were practically inhaling it like the greedy hog that you are. Rotten turncoat._

"I think the stuff you brought today is pretty good, Mugi," Mio said to me, holding up a half-eaten brownie with a smile. "Still think we could use this time to be practicing, but I guess we'll still have the time to do so later."

"Thank you very much for saying that, Mio! Means quite a bit to hear that from a good friend."

_Probably the only decent person here I wouldn't pour hot wax on if given the chance, too! ...Aside from that nice family doctor of mine. Always keeps trying to force those mood-pills down my throat. Never did like taking them...__  
><em>  
>"But while we're on the subject..." She held up her cup of tea in front of me. "I think you might wanna try a different herb for your tea next time. It's a little bitter for me." She sipped it a second later and scrunched up her lips in a grimace.<p>

_...Okay. Somehow, someday, I'm going to take that kettle of mine and ram it deep into one of your eye-sockets and pour as much scalding tea in as I can. See how much you'll LOVE the flavor from that orifice! ...But only after you and Ritsu get together in the end~._

"...Mugi? What's with that creepy look on your face?"

"N-Nothing!"

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><p><strong>AN: There it is. The first chapter. ObsidianWarrior helped to write most of this so he gets most of the credit. Again, I hope you all liked this. **

**I'll post more if the reception for this is all right. And it's not going to be as long as my other fic, You Got HaruhiRolled!. Probably be 20 chapters at the most.**

**Thanks again to Roxius for inspiring me in humor and the story style in the first place with his own fic, You Got LuluRolled!. **

**Have a pleasant day, all. **


	2. Lights, Camera, Cake!

**Disclaimer: I do not own K-ON! or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: I'm glad you all find this to be funny. And there's already a couple of Favorites and Alerts. Thanks! **

**Hope you enjoy this chapter just as much as the first.**

**And BTW, just to let you all know, I'm not really one for adding in honorifics. I tend to write the names of certain shows down without adding in the -kun, -chan, -san parts to them. I feel a little off adding them in for certain reasons, so I stick to the English way of pronouncing the names. Hard to say why exactly in words. But I will still use the terms when writing down names like Ton-chan and Sawako's affectionate nickname of Sawa-chan, since those are already deeply etched in my heart. I will also use them if I am trying to make a parody about the language or when something is being overly sappy in sweetness. **

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><p><strong>Going Cold Turkey... Errr... Cake:<strong>

The door to the Light Music Club creaked open as Yui Hirasawa came in, holding her beloved under one arm. The Gibson Les Paul gleamed in the sunlight in absolute pristine condition. A truly beautiful instrument and tool of music.

Probably because Yui hardly played it, but anyway...

"Ahhh... Mugi!" Yui chirped upon sighting her blond friend with the others. Tsumugi turned around from her tea kettle to greet the energetic youth.

"Hello, Yui. What can I do for you?"

"Well, did you bring anything sweet for me to nibble on today? Me and Gitah have had a loooong day."

Instead of smiling and bringing out a treat, the blond started fidgeting in place. "Ahhh, Yui..." Tsumugi began. She averted her eyes towards a corner of the room.

"Yes?" Yui asked, oblivious to Tsumugi's nervousness.

"Errr... my family had a bit of a falling out with the people who used to provide us with cakes. Really big fiasco. It turns out that they were embez-"

"Cake? Here, cake! Come here, boy~!" Yui called into Tsumugi's bag like she was looking for a dog. Ritsu turned from her spot across the room.

"Wow. I knew Yui was dumb, but that's just really, really sad- OW!" Ritsu cried from the blow dealt by her friend (and sometimes romantic interest, depending on author), Mio.

"Don't go insulting her out in the open like that! And you act just as bad!" Mio shouted. Ritsu just blew her off and went back to watching Yui paw through Tsumugi's schoolbag

"So, Yui, about what I was trying to say... there's no cake here for today. I'm sorry," Tsumugi finally said.

"Oh," Yui said, more to herself than to anyone in the room. Then she smiled brightly. "Well, that's okay! We can always have something for next time! I don't mind you not having any sweets for today."

Tsumugi started to twirl a lock of her hair between two fingers. "...Actually, I'm not ever going to be able to get us anymore fancy cakes or cookies for a long time. Probably not ever. Yes... I hope you're not too disa-"

"Huh? But... But... That... N-No more of Mugi's delicious sweets! This isn't happening...THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! If I don't have my cake, I'm gonna... gonna..." Yui would have continued her rant had she not fainted and hit her head on the table while doing so. Azusa and Mio gaped, while Ritsu blinked several times.

"Oh, my god!" Azusa gasped, rushing over to pick up the fallen guitarist.

"...Hey, if she doesn't wake up, can I have her guitar?" Ritsu sweetly asked.

Mio's fist once again became wall-acquainted with Ritsu's skull.

**Inside Yui's Mind...**

_Day one without cake...It's not too bad. I can survive without sweets for a while. I did so before high school. I shouldn't be mad at Mugi... But I'm slowly starting to go hungry. Nothing tastes quite the same without cake. I've even resorted to eating sand to calm my nerves... too dry. Must find a replacement for sugar soon..._

**The Next Day...**

"So let me get this straight... You and your family really _didn't _have a falling out?" Mio asked with a raised eyebrow and a flat tone of voice.

"No," Tsumugi answered, bowing her head in shame.

"And Yui is passed out for nothing?" the bassist once again interrogated.

"...Yes," Tsumugi sighed.

"_Why_ would you do this? I'd really like to know," Mio questioned, this time in an accusing tone of voice.

"Because Ritsu is always playing jokes on you, and Yui always messes around with Azusa. I just thought it be funny if I tried my hand at making a big joke for once. That's all."

"Hmmmmm. And you decided that saying that we would never have any of your top-quality desserts ever _again_ would be a good start? Did you even see Yui at all today? She looked like a zombie walking around in the halls. Brrr..."

"Now that I look back on it, that probably wasn't such a good idea. But you all seem to keep upping the ante for good jokes! Remember when Yui tricked Azusa into eating so much sugar that she got incredibly hyper and believed it was raining acorns?"

Overhearing this, Azusa slammed down the teacup she was drinking from. "Hey, I remember that! She freaking dosed me with enough sugar to knock out a horse! I thought Jim Morrison and his army of iguanas was coming to eat my skin!"

"Oh, that was such a fun day!" Ritsu recalled. "And then you climb up a tree and hissed at us whenever we got too close. And then Sawa-chan brought out the hose and... So funny... Heh!"

"NO. No. No, no, no. No, it wasn't! The moment she comes in through that door, I'm gonna kick her ass!" Azusa fumed darkly, already plotting something horrible.

"Kitty is quite grouchy today..." Tsumugi mused. Mio just frowned and shook her head. Yui hadn't even shown up for today's club meeting at all. And true to her word, Yui had looked somewhat out of it earlier. She could only hope that nothing too crazy could come from this.

"Oh, she'll be just fine! You guys are thinking into this way too much. I bet Yui can go for a whole week without cake! Now onto more important matters," Ritsu exclaimed as she fixed Tsumugi with a serious stare. "...Can the rest of us still have cake though~?"

**Back Inside of Yui's Mind... It's Really Empty in Here... **

_Day two. I've yet to find cake, but I found some yams. Why were they here? I don't know. But all I need is a frying pan, some matches, some sticks, and I can have a good yam stew going on... Why couldn't Ui get lost with me? _

**Real Life... Great Graphics, Terrible Gameplay...**

**"**So do ANY of you know where Yui is? I haven't seen her since this morning! And she hasn't called me for food or help with her schoolwork in two minutes! I'm really getting worried!" Ui dramatically screamed in front of the others. Nodoka was also at her side, but she looked more annoyed with having to put up with Ui's whining than worrying about Yui.

"Well, I played a little trick on her a day ago, and she's been acting a little funny since then," Tsumugi explained. Ui immediately glared at her. Had this been a horror fic, there'd be lots of Mugi bits splattered all over a secluded location after the club meeting was over. Seeing Tsumugi cower under Ui's stare, Ritsu decided to take measures to placate the sibling.

"Oh, Yui's just great! She's fine, she's fine," she gingerly said. Ritsu would have said more, but was interrupted by the door suddenly being kicked open.

"I AM THE WALRUS! CHEESE!" Yui shouted in her daze, holding Ton-chan in one hand and a burning candle in the other. A small paper crown sat on her head. If one painted her bronze, she'd look like some cute demigod.

"...See? Normal!" Ritsu said. Ui simply scowled at her. Azusa, however, became filled with horror at the scene of Ton-chan in the grip of a crazed Yui. She gave a quick look back at Ton-chan's tank and gasped.

"SO THAT'S WHERE YOU'VE BEEN ALL THIS TIME!" she screamed, jabbing a finger at the little reptile. Yui ignored her friend's terror and began to march around the room.

"Yui, I don't know exactly what's going on in your mind," Nodoka started calmly, approaching Yui from the front, "but I'm going to have to ask you to put down the turtle before things get ugly. Please?"

Yui stared at Nodoka as though she had just woken up from a long nap. She gave no real indication that she had heard anything.

"Yui? Can you hear me?" Nodoka pressed on.

"Uhh... Errr..." she gabbled.

"Yui, just put down the turtle and-"

"LADY LIBRTY SHINES!"

Ritsu snagged back Nodoka just as Yui swung the candle at her like a club. Yui began spouting off several American-themed shouts about baseball and apple-pie while flailing in place. As she stopped to drool about the thought of pie, Ui went for Yui's legs and knocked her to the floor. Azusa caught an airborne Ton-chan in her hands just as Mio and Tsumugi dog-piled onto Yui as well.

"See? I told you everything was fine, Ui~!" Ritsu cheered as Yui continued to scream.

**Inside Yui's Mind...**

_Day 574... I think. My friends have all turned against me. They even took the turtle I was going to make a soup out of. I've exhausted my supply of yams and I think I've forgotten how to pee. It's become quite hard to find cake now that I am no longer think properly done derp dee derp durrr..._

_**"...Yui...Yui, wake up..."**__ Mio's gentle voice said._

_**"She can't hear you... Let me do it... GET UP, YA FRIGGIN' JERKOFF!"**__ Ritsu shouted, earning a slap from Mio. The insult worked, seeing as Yui bolted up off the foggy floor of the dark void she was currently in. Surrounding her were Ritsu, Mio, and Azusa. the only thing that was off was the fact that they were each wearing hooded black robes. _

_"Who are you?" Yui questioned. "And why are you cosplaying as characters from Kingdom Hearts?"_

_**"We are the guardians of the cake, Yui Hirasawa. We have chosen to reward you after your lengthy quest of a total of thirteen square feet," **__Mio replied ominously._

_**"Not me, I'm just waiting for you to fall asleep so I can take advantage of you," **__Azusa spoke with a grin. Yui didn't seem to hear her, but a freaked out Ritsu sure as hell did._

_"**...What the fuck, Azusa?**" she said. _

_"Cake, you say? I no longer need it. I've grown happy with my yams," Yui returned. She smirked, thinking it would make her look clever._

_**"...Those were sponges you took out of the cupboard at home. There were no yams to begin with,"**__ Ritsu observed flatly._

_"...I understand~..." Yui smiled dumbly. The phantom that resembled Mio barfed a little in the back of her throat._

_**"Anyways, we are here to reward you and stuff...~ Yes~..." **__Ritsu continued, snapping her fingers and allowing frosting and chocolate to drip down from the skies. Mio and Azusa mimicked her, summoning sprinkles and oversized cookies. Yui looked on in total awe._

_"Is it true? Are you really-__**"**_

_**"Yes, yes, now drink up, fatty," **__her friend with a large forehead encouraged, throwing Yui in a puddle of the stuff. The other two laughed and clapped. _

_"It IS! Oh, how I've missed you, sugar!" Yui danced frosting before taking off her clothes and allowing it to run all over her body. "I'M SO HAPPY~..."_

**MEANWHILE... AT THE SEWAGE-TREATMENT PLANT...**

Mio, Tsumugi, Ritsu, Ui, Nodoka, and Azusa all watched in a stupor as their friend began skinny-dipping in public. Just a second ago, they watched her drink from a puddle of rainwater off the concrete ground.

It should be noted that Yui's sugar-deprived insanity only lasted for a total of three days.

"...Er... is she really-" Ui began weakly.

"Yes," Mio responded, left eye twitching.

"And is she-"

"Uh-huh."

"...And she's-"

"Yes."

"...Excuse me," Ui said, running off to bleach her eyeballs. Ritsu proceeded to go find a fishing-net to get Yui out of there before the blades turned her into paste with the bodily waste, algae, and stale water of the rest of the city.

While Mio was trying to fight off a minor aneurysm, Azusa was filming the whole thing on her cell-phone, a mischievous smile on her face. "I am sooooo saving this for later~..."

Having overheard that, Nodoka inched over to a concerned Tsumugi, who was still watching Yui's disturbing antics. "...Tsumugi? Can I ask you something? As Yui's childhood friend?"

"Yes? Anything!"

"Please. Just... never ever try to play a joke again."

"...I won't."

* * *

><p><strong>How to Measure a Treasure:<strong>

_LIVE FROM SAKURA HIGH'S MUSIC ROOM... IT'S..._

_GOOD MORNING, KYOTO~!_

The slightly drawled voice spoke, leaving the sound of a rather confusing applause track behind it.

"Good morning, Sakura High. I'm Yui Hirasawa," Yui spoke, dressed in a grey business suit as opposed to her uniform. She was also wearing a green visor on her head and Nodoka's glasses.

"And I'm Ritsu Tainaka!" Ritsu spoke in Yui's chicken costume... for some odd reason. Both were seated in some chairs at the table, with glasses of water set before them. There was also an empty ashtray on there.

"Today, we're going to settle an age-old question that has plagued our school since last week," Yui said with an air of drama.

"It's not _that_ age old!" Mio shouted from off-screen.

"SHUT UP, BASS-PLAYER!" Ritsu growled back. "Anyway... Here is the question of the day!" The camera facing the duo swung back and faced a corner of the room, where Ui held up a cardboard sign written in Sharpie.

_**WHICH IS BIGGER: TSUMUGI'S EYEBROWS, MIO'S BREASTS, OR RITSU'S FOREHEAD?**_

"HEY! WHAT THE HELL?" Ritsu shouted as she jabbed a finger (feather?) at her co-host. "YUI, YOU TOLD ME THAT IT WAS JUST _THEM_ IN THE QUESTION! YOU DIDN'T MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT DRAGGING MY FOREHEAD INTO THIS!" From off-screen, Mio's face flushed an obscure shade of red before she passed out.

"Well, it IS true..." Yui girlishly kicked her legs around from her seat.

"Please! Mugi's eyebrows aren't even as big as the other two, so they don't really count at all," Ritsu noted.

"Right!" Yui declared enthusiastically. Off-screen, Tsumugi cried heavily. She was talked about for five seconds at the most, and they didn't even pay attention to her.

"So anyway, I think Mio's boobs are clearly bigger than my forehead. I mean, come on, two is bigger than one!" Ritsu went on, waving a wing around. "Plus, everyone that attended the swimming party knows how huge they-"

"HEY!" Mio shouted, coming onscreen with a broom to beat the silence into Ritsu. Ui wrote on the back of a card and covered it over the fighting girls.

_**TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY...**_

"I don't even know who the target demographic of this audience is," muttered a confused Nodoka, manning the main camera. "I can't even see all that well through this camera without my glasses. And I'm still wondering how they even got the okay to get a show of their own!"

Ui heard Nodoka's ramblings and shrugged at her. "Well, at least the studio audience seems to like it."

The camera panned over to the studio audience, which consisted of Azusa and Jun sitting in folding-chairs. Ton-chan sat near Azusa, using a bucket as a seat.

"Wow, what a great show!" Jun marveled, her fuzzy pigtails bobbing up and down. Azusa placed her chin on her fist and sighed. Ton-chan just wiggled her flippers.

After a bit, the show continued, and Ritsu came back on with a bandage on her forehead.

"And we're back!" Yui shouted.

"...Yes," Ritsu said. "Now as I said, her chest is clearly bigger. If I buried my head in there right now, you'd see my logic!"

"MMRMH!" Mio snarled from her spot across the room. During the short break, Tsumugi had managed to fish a straitjacket, leg irons, and a ball-gag out from Sawako's car and used them on the angry bassist.

...Why she had those things in her car, you may not want to know.

"I disagree, Ricchan. I mean-" Yui countered, raising up her hands. "They call it a forehead because you can fit four fingers across it. With you, it's something like six or seven! See, Ricchan?"

"Ummm, everyone, I'm still here. I have an opinion, if you'd like to hear it!" Tsumugi piped up. She was ignored, of course.

Ritsu pondered her statement for a moment. "...I think so. I mean, my head is rather large when you think about i- HEY!" the feathered musician shouted. From the so-called audience, Azusa poured another shot of vodka from the bottle that she had stored inside one of Jun's pigtails to survive this next on-screen brawl.

Hey, you'd drink, too, if you knew these people for a long time

"Ahhhh... Why is the room spinning?" Azusa asked with a smile.

"YAY! Fight, fight, fight~!" Jun cheered on.

_Wiggle wiggle wiggle_, went Ton-chan's feet

"Well, I'm just saying, Ricchan. It's not my fault you were born with a forehead the size of a dinner-plate!" Yui giggled, taking a sip of her water. "And with a head that big, you'd think you wouldn't make so many mistakes!"

"Yui..." Ritsu seethed.

"And your chest is pretty flat, too, so I'm thinking Mio's got you beat there in that department. Your head's bigger than hers anyway."

"Shut up if you desire to live, Yui..." Ritsu snarled, looking scary for a chicken.

"...I think you look a lot better as a chicken instead of me?"

"THAT'S IT, YUI, YOU'RE DEAD!" Ritsu shouted, preparing to attack. A strong hand on the shoulder stopped her. "Huh?"

Ui towered over Ritsu, eyes burning with the unquenchable fires of hell right behind them. "_You make one move on my sister, and there won't even be enough of a body left for the authorities to convict me with._"

This statement created enough of a chill in the room's occupants to rival that of the Ice Age's temperature. The only one who was not scared was Ritsu, who was either too brave or too stupid to fully comprehend the amount of danger she was in.

"I'm not scared of you, Ui! You don't have the guts to do anything on camera! You're a chicken! CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP~!" Ritsu taunted, flapping her wings around.

This was apparently far enough to bring out the yandere within Ui. "**NOBODY POORLY IMITATES MY FAVORITE FARM ANIMAL!**" she hollered out as she tackled Ritsu across the table and slid towards Yui like a bullet-train full of moe.

"Hey, stop fighting over my woman~!" Azusa drunkenly slurred, going unnoticed by all. Except for Ton-chan. Ton-chan knows all.

Fortunately for Yui, she managed to duck in time, and Ritsu and Ui were sent gliding right into an ill-placed lighting rig, smashing a bulb on the couch, and setting it ablaze.

"Uh-oh. Well, that's it for this week, tune in tomorrow when we cover the inferno, goodbye!" Yui shouted before grabbing Gitah and running out. The entire gang quickly fled the room and then the building.

...Well, almost everybody.

"MMMRRH! MRRRHM!" Mio shouted, muffled by her ball-gag, attempting to hop across the room to the door.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Again, thanks to ObsidianWarrior for helping me out with this fanfiction. You are epic, sir. **

**Next chapter, I shall fulfill a request. Hope you enjoyed these two long stories. Feel free to PM me if you have any ideas or suggestions that you'd like to see. I'd like to try and at least include every character in the show for this fanfiction. **

**See you all next time! **


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